McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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