Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
