Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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