Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
worst night to have a conscience
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize