So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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