I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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