at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
