come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
