Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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