Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
