The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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