Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
