he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
