Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
