remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
