did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
