i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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