sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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