I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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