I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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