walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
