Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
