a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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