Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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