I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
