i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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