If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
