well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
