Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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