i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
