i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just puked most of my soul out..
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
