I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
