I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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