i barfeds in our rink
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
