so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
