Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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