roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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