Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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