I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
