I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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