he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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