Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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