in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
