My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize