I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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