It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
