Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize