a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Me too!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm too high and old for this...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
