Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
