Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
