Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
