she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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