apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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