EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
