I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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