Moan for me like Helen Keller
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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