he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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