Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
