If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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