Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
