I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
