you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Someone came in the potted fern
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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