i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
