Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
